After the first set of group games were completed, I ranked all 32 teams at the World Cup. Looking back now, of course, I see that I was an idiot. North Korea at #16? Switzerland at #4? France as high as #21?

Now, of course, all of the group games are done, and so it’s time to hand out the awards. Sixteen teams remain in the knockout round, but others deserve recognition, like the following:

  • The Leaky Sieve Award (Defensive Incompetence): Take a bow North Korea! You’re headed for the coal mines, as the only team to concede more than six goals. Having let in an astonishing even dozen, you’ve also taken the award for worst goal differential, a robust -11. In fact, you’re the worst team at the World Cup since Saudi Arabia in 2002, which let in twelve but scored none.
  • The Mercury-Redstone I Award (Offensive Incompetence): This award is shared by Algeria and Honduras, both of which failed to score a goal at the World Cup and ended up with a single point apiece. Nice trip to South Africa that they got out of the deal, though, I guess.
  • The Departing in Shame Award (Overall Failure): North Korea is your winner here, but a special mention of Cameroon, the only other team to lose all three of its group matches. The Indomitable Lions do win an award for the best team nickname, however, and to be totally fair, they lost each match by only one goal.
  • The Stan Gable Award (Beating Up on the Weak): Portugal wins this one for their epic performance in Group G: Scoreless draw with Ivory Coast, scoreless draw with Brazil… 7-0 beating of North Korea.
  • The Chastity Belt Award (Defensive Excellence): A tie between Uruguay and Portugal, both of which allowed zero goals in their three games. To end this paragraph, you may write your own coarse “tougher to score on than…” jokes, if you like.
  • The “It Happens To Every Team and It’s Not A Big Deal” Award (Peaking Too Early): Slovenia and Switzerland won their first group games – and then failed to qualify for the knockout round.
  • The Bloodied But Unbowed (But Still Going Home) Award (Unbeaten but unlucky): Those poor Kiwis. New Zealand didn’t lose any of its three matches, but didn’t win any either, and heads out of the competition.

In a way, we’ve now played the final qualifying round for the 2010 World Cup. The USA have now survived groups that have eliminated Barbados, Guatemala, Cuba, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Algeria, and Slovenia. We’re down to the real tournament: 16 teams, no second chances, and no excuses.

It starts tomorrow. You know it’ll be exciting.