The World Cup quarterfinals start today, and with the USA out, I’m not sure who I should be pulling for. Had they not lost, it would have been England, under the theory of “I would hope they would cheer for us, in the same situation”; this makes little sense, so let’s nonsensically examine the other contenders.

Uruguay – They haven’t been this far since 1970, after winning the Cup in 1930 and 1950, so they’ve got the underdog thing going for them. That, and that they have Diego Forlan, is the sum total of my knowledge about the Uruguayans. This does not form a good basis for fandom.

Ghana – Knocked the USA out of the last two World Cups. Um, no. (Yes, I am bitter. Are you surprised?)

Germany – I have some German heritage, and they might be my favorite team to watch in the tournament. That said, as I said to someone before the England-Germany match: “I can’t root for Germany. They tried to kill everybody’s grandpa.”

Brazil – Sure, and then I’ll cheer for the Yankees, too. I can’t wait to see where LeBron signs so I know what team I’m a fan of, too! To sum up: No.

Argentina – Very good, but they have Diego Maradona for a coach, and Maradona is a first-class idiot. Plus Lionel Messi scored four goals in a half against Arsenal. I am not above pettiness, either.

Spain – Half of the Barcelona team is on the Spanish national team, which makes them immediately annoying, especially Xavi. Plus they won’t play Cesc Fabregas. BOOOO!

Paraguay – Their snoozefest with Japan set soccer back ten years. No thanks.

So that leaves… The Netherlands! Allow me to enumerate the things I like about Holland:

  • Yes, I know why they wear orange jerseys despite their country’s colors being red, white, and blue. It still makes no sense. I love this.
  • Bert Blyleven is from there.
  • Robin Van Persie threw a tantrum after being substituted last week, and it’s always fun to cheer for a team that might devolve into intrasquad fisticuffs during a match.
  • Rafael Van Der Faart.
  • Dennis Bergkamp was Dutch. He also refused to fly on airplanes, earning himself the nickname “The Non-Flying Dutchman,” which is so wonderfully perfect that you’d swear I made it up.
  • They do tend to play fast-paced, scintillating soccer, and any of about eight guys could pop up and score the goal of the World Cup at any moment. Or they could go through to the semifinals thanks to an own goal and somebody scoring with their knee. You never know what you’ll get with them.

So count me aboard the Dutch bandwagon! I’ll just get out my bracket and find out who they’re playing next here…

Brazil. This morning.

Oh, balls.