Thanks to a woeful lack of time, I’d only done a single running diary for the 2010 World Cup – the Germany-Australia group match. High time, I thought, that I corrected this. Spain! Netherlands! La Roja vs. the Oranje! It’s live from Johannesburg, via ESPN, Martin Tyler, and Efan Ekoku.

Pregame Tyler asks Ekoku to speak for the entirety of Africa about this World Cup. Here’s the part where we remind you that Ekoku is from Manchester, and spent his entire career in England (though he did play for the Nigerian national team.)</p>

In the studio, Ruud Gullit predicts a 2-1 win for Holland. Steve McManaman predicts a 3-0 Spanish win, then stares Gullit (a former Dutch star) down. Awk-ward!

FIFA’s propaganda campaign continues, as they pat themselves on the back for putting the World Cup in Africa. Apparently, soccer will save the continent, according to this commercial, which has public-access production values.

According to FIFA, the real winner of the 2010 World Cup is… South Africa! I suppose if we’re judging it in terms of “Number of useless stadiums built for single event,” then I agree, though it’s a tight race between South Africa and China.

National anthems! Spain’s sounds like it’s being broadcast from an iPod through a megaphone, and heavily features the glockenspiel.

Ekoku thinks that the Dutch will be affected by their Final losses in 1974 and 1978. This seems unlikely, given that all but three Dutch players weren’t alive in 1978. This might be a good time to start the match.

0 Tyler says that for Netherlands, “This might not be ‘Total Football,’ but they hope it’s ‘title football.’” Martin Tyler, as always, should fire his writers.

2 David Villa is offside for Spain. Get used to that.

4 Great save from Maarten Stekelenburg, the Dutch goalkeeper! Sergio Ramos got loose from a set piece, Stekelenburg had to punch away low and to his right. Almost 1-0 early, but the keeper has the Orange still in the game.

7 Either Holland are waiting to counter-attack… or they plan to park the bus in front of the goal for ninety minutes. Everyone in the world is hoping for the former.

10 Apparently Holland has been staying in the same hotel as the ESPN folks, as the team failed to extend their reservations through the final. I’d say “so much for journalistic distance,” but, well…

11 Dutch defender John Heitinga nearly scores an own goal. In fact, I can’t see how he avoided it, as he somehow stabbed the ball almost vertically from two yards away, despite just sticking a foot out. Either it was the most impressive clearance ever, or the luckiest.

14 Mark Van Bommel, the Netherlands midfielder, is apparently well known for somehow avoiding yellow cards. He doesn’t look innocent; I don’t know what he has going for him. Maybe he’s a witch.

15 Robin Van Persie goes into the book for his second horrible challenge. He really could have been carded in the first 45 seconds for a bad tackle – two was apparently enough for English referee Howard Webb.

16 Now Carles Puyol goes in the book for fouling Arjen Robben. I muse on whether Puyol deserves a medal, rather than a card.

18 “While you were looking at that replay, David Villa was caught offside.” Less than surprising commentary from Martin Tyler. The game is starting to open up, by which I mean that sometimes Holland now have the ball.

22 Van Bommel can’t escape that yellow card. Horrible, horrible tackle. Nearly a leg-breaker. The Netherlands are apparently trying to steamroll the Spanish, and I mean that just about literally.

23 Now Ramos goes into the book for Spain. Howard Webb’s carding arm is getting a workout.

28 What. The. Hell! Nigel de Jong fouls Spain’s Xavi Alonso with a kung fu kick to the chest. I have described that correctly. He was about four yards from getting the ball, there. Somehow this only earns a yellow card, though I have no idea how. It was worth a red, plus another yellow, plus a free kick in the butt from two selected Spanish players.

The BBC’s text commentary on that tackle: “Crikey.”

31 Even odds right now: First goal, or first Dutch player sent off?

34 Holland attempts to kick the ball to Spanish goalkeeper Iker Casillas following a restart. The ball bounces gaily over Casillas’ head, off his gloves, and out for a corner. van Persie has to run seventy yards to go attempt to kick the ball to Casillas again. Not the finest moment ever in a World Cup Final.

39 Things are sloooowing down. You get the sense most of the players are waiting for halftime.

42 Halftime naps all over the world begin early, thanks to the excitement of this game. The only entertainment involves Howard Webb halting the game to yell at various players.

HALFTIME: NETHERLANDS 0-0 SPAIN

45 It’s usually not a good sign, in terms of entertainment value, when the biggest story of a half involves one player karate-kicking another in the chest.

51 Not much exciting happening in the second half, though Joan Capdevila swings and misses following a Spain corner. It’s always fun to watch a world-class player do exactly as well as I would do in the same situation.

52 Robben does the same thing every time: Get the ball, cut inside on his left foot, shoot for the near post. It’s one of his two talents; the other is being a bald, diving idiot.

54 So far this half, both teams have evenly split their time between 1) soccer and 2) admonishing the referee. To say I am annoyed by this would be an understatement.

55 Now Giovanni van Bronckhorst goes in the book for Holland. I think Tyler just said that we’ve already set a record for the number of yellow cards in a World Cup Final. Xavi wastes the resulting free kick.

56 Villa rolls around on the ground clutching his foot. I rage at Spain for being the typical continental, diving, cheating, attempting-to-get-other-team-carded kind of team. Howard Webb, not helping things, cautions Heitinga based solely on Villa’s performance in his new one-man show, I am David Villa, look at how much my foot hurts, the pain is excruciating! That’s some bad refereeing, right there.

58 Right now, Webb has done more to influence this match than any player or coach. Possible man of the match honors coming his way.

60 Jesus Navas is on for Spain. If this were in the States, someone would have a sign that said “CASILLAS SAVES, JESUS SCORES” or something like that. Sadly, none is forthcoming on this broadcast.

61 Tyler says that, according to ESPN analyst Roberto Martinez, Puyol grows his hair long because he is embarrassed of the size of his ears. I’m sure Puyol will be thrilled with the both of them.

62 BREAKAWAY FOR ROBBEN! SAVE CASILLAS! Robben was all alone away on goal, but his shot hit Casillas in the foot. The keeper didn’t do much, but the deflection flew wide. Wow, was that a game-saver. Robben was almost too open, a perfect pass from Wesley Sneijder, and he dithered a bit too long. Should have been 1-0 Netherlands there!

67 With things settling back down, Capdevila is booked for taking out Robben. So far, the most important things in this match are Casillas’s foot, and Webb’s yellow card.

69 Villa is offside for what I estimate to be the 4,967th time.

70 – Cripes! Villa with an awful miss. Heitinga fell down, the ball went straight to Villa five yards from goal, but his shot hit the prone Heitinga and bounded away. Thought that was the first goal; the goal was “at his mercy,” as announcers say.

75 At risk of sounding silly later in this commentary (or like I made this part up afterwards), the game looks like it’s headed for extra time. I suspect many around the world have fallen asleep or wandered off to do something more interesting, like burning ants with a magnifying glass.

Webb, sensing my boredom, stops the game to yell some more. He’s like your dad on a long car trip. “You two knock that off or I will TURN THIS WORLD CUP AROUND and we will NOT GO FOR ICE CREAM.”

77 Ramos just missed a free header from four yards away. Horrible.

78 Please excuse my caps lock for a moment.

GAAAH! I AM SO SICK OF SPAIN FALLING OVER AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH AND ROLLING AROUND CLUTCHING AN ANKLE IN THE HOPES THAT THEY CAN GET SOMEONE SENT OFF. IT HAPPENS ONCE PER MINUTE AND I WANT TO STOMP SOMEONE EVERY TIME.

Thank you.

80 Spain has given up on scoring, and is trying to convince the ref to win the game for them.

82 The last ten minutes of the game: Spain attacks. Holland boots the ball out of bounds. Repeat one million times.

83 Robben again! He managed to get on the end of a punt from the keeper, and somehow behind both defenders. Puyol, desperately, fouls him repeatedly from behind, but in an upset of epic proportions, Robben stays upright and tries to score. Casillas smothers a shot before he can get it off.

Robben wanted a foul called, of course, and is so angry he chases Webb across half the field, screaming. He gets a yellow card for his efforts. If Robben had gone down when Puyol wrapped him up, Webb would have called the foul and sent Puyol off, no question. Robben instead chose to go on and try to win the match. This is better than I expected from Robben, although he immediately ruined it with his temper tantrum.

87 Slouching towards extra time, but Robben has to know he had two glorious chances to win the match and couldn’t convert. Spain’s had more possession, but the chances have been equal.

90 Robin van Persie is offside by three yards. Villa heartily approves, I’m guessing.

END OF REGULATION: NETHERLANDS 0-0 SPAIN

We’re off to extra time. This was… predictable.

91 THREE SPANISH DIVES IN TWO SECONDS GAAAH (/blood spurts from eyes)

On replay, the final count: One “went down too easy” from Cesc Fabregas, one “went down for no reason” from Andres Iniesta, one “blatant dive after tripping over himself” from Xavi. I hope Xavi is eaten by wolves. Howard Webb sensibly ignores Xavi, which is better than I expected from the ref.

94 This World Cup has gone about 5,800 minutes, the majority of which took place this afternoon. The commentary makes it seem more exciting, but nothing – abjectly nothing – is happening for long stretches of this match.

95 Fabregas is away – but Stekelenburg saves with his foot. His second good save of the match, with the two coming more than 90 minutes apart. A better save than Casillas’s game-saver on Robben, too, because Stekelenburg actually had some idea of what he was doing. Casillas was just taking up space.

99 Everyone, please, a warm welcome for Rafael van der Faart!

100 I just like writing “100” in these running diaries.

101 Navas hits the side netting. He reacted like he thought, for a moment, it was in. Worst feeling ever, I suspect.

102 We must give a hand for David Villa, who can be offside in the 102nd minute just as well as he could in the 2nd. He’s a real talent, this one.

105 van Bronckhorst, who’s retiring from football after the World Cup, gets substituted. Harsh, coach. You’re telling me he couldn’t play fifteen more minutes in his entire life?

HALFTIME: NETHERLANDS 0-0 SPAIN

Fernando Torres comes on for Villa, who will now fulfill a lifelong dream by standing in a permanently offside position.

107 For the Netherlands, Edson Braafheid gets drilled in the back of the head with a cross, which causes the commentators to chuckle indulgently. Let’s see you take a soccer ball off the rear of the cranium, guys, then see how hard you laugh.

108 This game is getting sloppy… as has every other extra-time match in the history of soccer, at this point. TO be expected, I guess.

109 Heitinga fouls Iniesta on the edge of the area – and he’s off! Red card for a second yellow! I did not expect Holland to hold out this long with all eleven players on the field. That’s seven yellow cards they’ve earned – by sheer mathematics, you’d almost expect two of those seven to land on the same player. Well, down to ten men, you have to expect Netherlands to play for penalties now.

Replay shows that Iniesta dived. I narrowly avoid another caps lock tirade, mostly because Xavi sails the free kick over the bar.

111 Now it’s Gregory van der Wiel in the book for Holland. Their yellow-card performance is impressive.

112 Ekoku just described a player as at “full pelt.” We are at the point of this game where this makes me laugh out loud. HA ha!

114 No matter who comes out on top, the real winner today is Howard Webb’s family. He’s been on camera more than any three players put together.

115 Sneijder takes a free kick – which takes a deflection and flashes just wide of the post. Boy, would that have been a story.

116 INIESTA SCORES! DRAT!

I’m quite angry about this, as Spain’s theatrics have turned me solidly against them. There was a deflection in the center of the area, Fabregas picked it up and slipped the ball to Iniesta to his right, and the Spaniard made no mistake, scoring what surely must be the late winner.

You will think I’m making this up, but the aftermath results in two more yellow cards – one for Iniesta for taking his shirt off in the celebration, one to Joris Mathijsen for haranguing the linesman. Mathijsen wants offside, but replays show Iniesta was onside by about two yards. No dice. Drat and blast, Spain are going to win this one.

119 There’s just not enough time for the ten men in orange to get the ball back and downfield.

120 Just to sum things up, Xavi gets a yellow card for kicking the ball away. That’s fourteen yellow cards in this game – nine for the Dutch, five for the Spanish. If I remember Tyler’s earlier comment right, the previous record was five.

FINAL: NETHERLANDS 0-1 SPAIN

Spain, supposedly the most offensively breathtaking team in the tournament, wins the World Cup with eight goals in seven games. The 2010 World Cup was about defense, not scoring, unless you happen to be Diego Forlan.

Spain is now your European champions and your World champions, and we can all probably stop writing about how they’ve been underachievers.

This won’t go down as a classic final, which would be surprising except that no major-tournament final is ever a classic. This was a match with long stretches of boredom, punctuated by regular stoppages for yellow cards and lectures from the referee.

Arjen Robben is about to have a long, sleepless night, I suspect.