Note: Many readers of this internet publication could not possibly care less about cricket matches between England and Australia. This has never stopped me before, and indeed won’t stop me now, but fair warning: this post and all subsequent Ashes-related posts are, in fact, about cricket. If you’re going to ignore me, now’s the time.

First Test: Match Drawn. England 260 & 517/1d, Australia 481 & 107/1.

I’ll say one thing about cricket in Australia: it certainly is convenient, as long as you happen to be in America.

Australian fans had to shirk their daytime duties on Thursday, Friday, and Monday in order to see this match; English fans had to go nocturnal and watch from midnight to 7 a.m. Those of us in America could flip open the laptop at 6pm, fire up the match, and watch until bedtime. (Even if we had to be intentionally evasive when people asked us what we were doing with the laptop. Sorry, Dad. It was easier to evade than to explain that I was keeping an eye on the cricket match while we watched the Timberwolves.)

For any cricket novices who’ve made it all the way down to the third graf: The Ashes is a biannual series of five Test matches between England and Australia. The name of the series refers to a mock newspaper obituary for English cricket, way back in 1882, and for any more facts than that, you may read Wikipedia.

Anyway, usually what happens when England have to go on the road in this series is this: they talk about how things will be different. They talk about how well-prepared they are. They land in Australia, and then, the thrashings commence. Last time, Australia won the series 5-0, marking (if I have my facts correct) the first time a cricket series has ended 5-0 since the infamous West Indies v. Agoraphobics & Spastics United series in 1984-85.

That series (Australia vs. England, not West Indies vs. A&S Utd.) was marked by England bowler Steve Harmison running up for the first ball of the series, and then delivering the ball so wide that most fans fell to their knees and laughed for the better part of ten minutes. It was the equivalent of Tim Lincecum winding up to begin Game 1 of the World Series, then uncorking a slider that maimed a fan in the third row behind the dugout.

Naturally, then, England – who won the coin toss and chose to bat first – were nervous about the first ball of this series. Captain Andrew Strauss let it go right by, a nice, calm, collected move. He did the same with the second. With all nerves eased, then, he decided to whack a super-awesome shot on the third ball, which of course flew straight to Australian fielder Michael Hussey for an out, thus sealing Strauss’s place in the annals of England Ashes comedy.

Truthfully, though, things did end up being plenty exciting, at least on day one. England fought throughout the first day to get to 197/4. Then Aussie bowler Peter Siddle, suddenly inhabited by a demon, took a hat trick, which I’ll probably watch the rest of my life without seeing again – bam, Cook gone. Matt Prior in, Matt Prior out first ball. Stuart Broad in, Stuart Broad swinging wildly and getting hit in the foot and called out leg before wicket, Stuart Broad out. This happens something on the order of twice a decade, which I should have appreciated.

Peter Siddle just looks annoying, though, which is why I turned the match off in disgust.

After that, well, things slowed down a bit. On day two, Australia made a few runs and a few outs, but then Brad Haddin and Hussey starting batting pretty well. Those two batted for much of the second day and most of the third day, giving Australia a 221-run lead after the first innings, which made everyone assume Australia was going to win.

Then Strauss and Alastair Cook came in to bat for England, and they batted for most of the fourth day, and when Strauss finally got himself out, Jonathan Trott came in and batted for the rest of the day with Cook. This lasted well into day five. By the time captain Strauss got bored with the whole thing and called the two inside for buttered toast, England had scored 517 runs, Cook and Trott had set the record for the highest-ever partnership in Brisbane – breaking Hussey and Haddin’s record, set two days earlier – and any excitement in the match had ground to a halt because only an outbreak of influenza or possibly a mass delirium would cause anything but a draw. (Neither happened, but the draw did.)

A recap of popular opinion:
After three balls: Australia are going to win 5-0.
At any point for the rest of the first day or the second morning: This series will be close but thrilling, perhaps even a draw.
After Hussey and Haddin batted for a million hours: Australia are going to win 5-0.
After Strauss, Cook, and Trott swung around and batted even longer for England: Australia are terrible and won’t win a thing; England may win by default.

So, as the Second Test begins tomorrow in Adelaide (tonight, for those of us in a sensible time zone), the Australians are the ones in disarray. Aussie fast bowler Mitchell Johnson has been dropped from the team; he failed to take a wicket or score a run, gave up 170 runs on his own, and bowled like he had his eyes closed (go to 0:26 of this video, and watch for Trott’s stunned reaction as the ball sails twenty feet behind him, Rick Ankiel style.) Meanwhile, England will play the exact same team, and hope that they can somehow magically find a way to get a few Aussies out.

So: still 0-0. Four matches to go and the urn on the line and a convenient TV viewing schedule ahead. On to Adelaide!