(SCENE: An anonymous Chipotle restaurant in the Twin Cities. The staff busies themselves with the same tasks that they’re always doing at Chipotle – grilling four thousand pounds of meat, preparing enormous vats full of rice, and that sort of thing. Up to the counter step Minnesota House of Representatives Speaker Rep. Kurt Zellers, R-Maple Grove, and House Majority Leader Rep. Matt Dean, R-Dellwood.)

CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: What can I get for you?

KURT ZELLERS: Well, I’ll tell you, I’m just not a fan of burritos.

EMPLOYEE: Uh, I’m sorry? Perhaps you would like tacos, or one of our bowls?

ZELLERS: No, you’re not getting this. I want a burrito, but I am not a fan of burritos.

EMPLOYEE: What?

ZELLERS: I don’t know how I can make this clearer: I do not want you to make me a chicken burrito. Black beans. Thank you.

EMPLOYEE: Uh… so you want a chicken burrito?

ZELLERS: NO! Jeez, do I have to spell everything out for you? I want you to make me exactly what I don’t want. Is that clear?

EMPLOYEE: Frankly, no.

MATT DEAN: Ma’am, let me explain. The Speaker wants a burrito for lunch, but the Governor also likes burritos. And so we can’t have it getting around that the Speaker wants a burrito too.

EMPLOYEE: Why not? That makes no sense. Can’t you both like burritos?

DEAN (agitated): Listen, we didn’t come to St. Paul to eat the same lunch the Governor eats!

ZELLERS: Actually, Matt, you used to run a restaurant, right? What do you think I should have for lunch?

DEAN: I think you should get a cheeseburger. Nothing better than a cheeseburger for lunch.

EMPLOYEE: We don’t sell cheeseburgers. We sell burritos.

ZELLERS: HOW DARE YOU. MATT DEAN USED TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING. I DEMAND THAT YOU BEGIN SELLING CHEESEBURGERS IMMEDIATELY. I AM INTRODUCING A BILL TO REQUIRE ALL BURRITO RESTAURANTS TO SELL CHEESEBURGERS.

EMPLOYEE: You want a cheeseburger from a burrito restaurant?

ZELLERS: Matt Dead used to be a restauranteur, madam. That means that he’s an expert in all foodstuff production of any kind, and MATT DEAN SAYS YOU NEED TO SELL ME A CHEESEBURGER.

DEAN: Unless the Governor likes cheeseburgers. Then you can’t sell them ever.

EMPLOYEE: I’m going to have to ask you guys to leave.

ZELLERS: Yeah, we hear that a lot nowadays.

*To be totally clear, I’m not criticizing people who are anti-stadium; just Kurt Zellers, for waffling and saying things like “I can’t support the bill” but “I hope it passes,” and then trying to claim later that he didn’t mean the things he said. Also, I should note that I first published this in the FanPosts section of the Daily Norseman.
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