I quite liked this week’s Twinkie Town post, in which I reviewed some of the stories we are not all that likely to see in the first week of training camp.

Nobody really seemed to take much notice. They’re probably all still making jokes about the lights going out at the Super Bowl.

Italy 23, France 18

National soccer teams are supposed to reflect the national character of their countries. This doesn’t always work, like in the case of Italy, which is the spiritual home of the car crash but is also famous for playing defensively organized, responsible soccer.

The Italian rugby team seems much more in touch with the Italian spirit. Their style of play can best be described as “buccaneering,” almost cheerful – filled with players running backwards and reversing field and attempting improbable kicks and that sort of thing. All that was missing was a table with a red-checked tablecloth in the middle of the pitch, with two dark-haired men eating improbably large plates of pasta while arguing.

France expected to just turn up and win while Italy fell apart, but instead Italy made a couple of improbable kicks and scored a couple of improbable tries, and by the time France realized they were in trouble, it was too late for them to do anything about it.

The last three minutes of this match – as Italy held out, ten yards in front of their own end zone, against waves of French attacks – may have been the most exciting three minutes in the history of the world. The crowd was roaring like Romans in the Colosseum, which of course they pretty much were, and when it was all over, Italy celebrated like they’d just won the whole competition. It’s hard to beat that for fun.

Ireland 30, Wales 22

For the first 45 minutes of this match, everything that Ireland tried worked. By that time it was 30-3 Ireland. Wales, which had ruined its own chances by doing dumb things, continued to do them, but also did good things as well, which is why the game ended up being 30-22 instead of 45-3.

Wales probably should have won, being at home. They look like the kind of team that could end up being the best team ever to lose every game. Which, we have to remind ourselves, is what they have done since they won last year’s Six Nations – lose every game.

England 38, Scotland 18

Scotland are just good enough to be “terrible”, rather than “abysmal.”

NOTE: As always, this appeared first at RandBall, your home for helpfulness.

Every morning I read the sports section of the Newspaper of the Twin Cities. One of the great features of the paper in the winter is the league roundups for the NBA and NHL – just a short sentence or two to describe what happened in each game, like SportsCenter via text message (and with no talking heads.) The NHL roundup, of course, only returned when the league did, and in the short time since I’ve noticed something: the NHL is almost impossible to follow.

In other sports, it’s fairly easy to keep tabs on how the previous night’s results affected the storyline of the season. There are five, maybe six, teams in either conference that have a chance of being competitive, and about five in the whole league that have a real shot at the NBA title. It’s pretty easy to scan the NBA roundup and say, “Hey, Memphis was looking good, but they sure got slaughtered by Oklahoma City last night.” It’s easy to understand, and that’s especially true because on a night-to-night basis, the best team usually wins.

In contrast, in the NHL, nothing ever makes sense. Night-to-night, anything can happen – a hot goaltender, a penalty-happy referee, a couple of pucks that just wouldn’t settle. Consequently, there’s no real separation to speak of. In 2010-2011 – the last time both sports played a full season – there were nine NBA teams that won at least 50 games, while only one NHL team managed that number, even with a few “free” shootout wins thrown in. The NHL’s second-best team won 48 games that year; in the same year, 48 wins was, just barely, good enough for the seventh playoff seed in the NBA’s Western Conference.

Parity’s something that most fans like, I think; it’s good for the game of hockey that the league isn’t dominated by its few rich markets, especially since the poorer markets can’t even hardly keep up under the current system. But there’s no denying that the NHL’s hard to keep tabs on, even for the most dedicated viewers. I think that’s part of the reason that the league’s national profile – especially on a network like ESPN, which is not known for its willingness to go in-depth – tends to be so low.

*On with the links:

*Parker Hageman breaks down Miguel Sano at TwinsCentric, focusing on some mechanical changes that Sano has made over the past several minor-league seasons. Given the Twins’ seeming focus on the future – Aaron Hicks now, Sano later – this may be the closest thing we have to excitement for awhile.

*With the Harbaughs the talk of the Super Bowl, Ken Dryden writes at Grantland about playing in goal in the NHL, with his brother Dave in the opposing goal, and how he couldn’t mentally prepare any time he played against his brother.

*Here’s the story of ten guys who have been locked in a game of tag for 23 years. The real question: how is this not televised?

*The Los Angeles Dodgers signed a TV deal with Time Warner that will result in the creation of an entirely new sports channel in L.A. The deal is worth $8 billion over the next 25 years – $8 BILLION – and reminds us of two things: first, the Twins were ten years too early with Victory Sports. Second, the best thing that could happen for the Twins’ payroll is for TWC or Comcast or somebody else to start up a competing regional sports network in Minneapolis to compete with Fox Sports North, thus driving up the price for the Twins’ TV rights.

*And finally: watch here as a huge Tayshaun Prince fan finds out that his favorite player has been traded and then gives up on the Pistons – all captured on camera in the arena.

Through six games, the Wild have scored 16 goals. Eleven of these have been scored by the Wild’s first line – five by Zach Parise, four by Dany Heatley, and two by Mikko Koivu. Only two other forwards have even scored this year.

It’s probably time that we come up with a name for this line, because calling it “the Koivu-Parise-Heatley line” doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. Here are some suggestions, with a few cross-outs as well.

• Traitor, Badger, Finn
• HPK America
• The One True Line
• The KPH Line Considered and rejected. This ain’t Canada, hippie.
• The Everything We Own Line
• The 23 Million Dollar Line
• The Never Won an NCAA Championship Line
• Play This Line, Then Stall For Time That doesn’t even rhyme.

It’s becoming clear that there are no good line names.

The 2013 Six Nations begins this weekend, so let’s preview the tournament by taking a look at each team.

Wales

Last year Wales beat everyone and won the tournament. Since then, they’ve lost every game they’ve played.

BBC Wales made this wonderful ad for the tournament, so I think they still have to be considered the favorites.

England

England are the actual favorites for the tournament, mostly because they beat New Zealand last fall, and New Zealand is the best team in the world. However, England also lost three different times to South Africa and once to Australia, and it turned out that everyone on New Zealand might have had tuberculosis or something during England’s win.

Every England match I’ve ever watched was dull and boring and filled with penalties. Though this is a total of maybe four matches, I feel confident in telling you that that’s what England are all about.

England has a center back named Manu Tuilagi who is terrifying and awesome. Naturally, he is hurt for the first game.

France

France is good at rugby, which I know doesn’t seem right, but it’s true. The French league is the most popular, richest league in the Northern Hemisphere, and France made it to the finals of the last World Cup. However, the French team is still made up of French people, which means that who knows, about the French team.

Last year I had friends over to watch an England-France match from Paris that ended up being canceled a minute before kickoff because the French apparently didn’t realize that the ground freezes when it gets cold.

Ireland

New Zealand played Ireland three times last summer. New Zealand won all three, by a combined score of 124-29, including a 60-0 win. I’m not sure if this means that New Zealand is good, or Ireland is awful.

Ireland is 9/2 to win the tournament, and 14/1 to finish bottom, which means that everyone who’s got money on them has thrown up their hands and said, “Well, who the hell knows?”

Scotland

Scotland lost just about every match they played last year. They even lost to Italy, and Tonga. Their coach quit the day after they lost to Tonga, probably because he was in danger of being flogged to death on the moors of Scotland. All of this probably means that they’ll rise up and beat England 9-6 on the first day of the tournament.

Italy

Italy was added to the tournament in 2000, turning the Five Nations into the Six Nations. Since then, they have won nine times, drawn once, and lost 55.

If you bet five bucks on Italy to win the tournament, you will lose five bucks.

Over at Twinkie Town, I’ve previewed the 2013 Twins, position-by-position.

Please note that anyone in search of statistics, contract numbers, or really any kind of actual analysis should probably head elsewhere. But if you’re in the market for semi-hurtful jokes, then read on!

NOTE: This column appeared first at RandBall, your home for these things always taking some time.

My cousin Travis is a Seattle native and is an enormous Seahawks fan, and so I vicariously experienced some very Vikings-fan-esque pain a couple of weeks ago, as the Seahawks blew their playoff game at Atlanta. Here are some of his texts: “Please make the pain go away.” “I hate everything right now. Stupid football. Stupid Seahawks.” And finally, the coup de grace, as he came to terms with the reality of his situation: “Stupid sports. Why do you make me care about you so much?”

It’s an interesting question, and one that came to mind again last night as I stormed out of a local arena in anger and frustration. I cannot imagine another pastime that so regularly makes so many incandescent with rage and abject with misery. What other hobbyists experience this? I can’t imagine that big-game hunters are driven to drink by their pursuit, that woodworkers can feel personally humiliated because of a particularly fiddly cabinet, or that board gamers regularly experience feelings of hopelessness and wretchedness. And yet every day I’m back for another quarter, half, period, or inning, ready to get my hopes up (and open my wallet) without reservation.

I tried to console my cousin by telling him that the horrible pain is what makes the victory, when it finally comes, that much sweeter. The problem with that, of course, is that it’s far, far more likely that this will never happen. It is much more likely than not that the Vikings will never win a Super Bowl in my lifetime, for example; they’ve avoided doing so for more than 50 years now, and there’s no reason they can’t make that a century. Victory is not something that comes around if you just wait long enough. Cubs fans have been waiting since 1908. In England, Preston North End won the first two Football League titles, in 1889 and 1890; they’re on a 123-year losing streak since. I’d like to pretend otherwise, but the Vikings are only 72 years behind, and show no signs of not aiming for the overall title.

There must be a reason I keep coming back. There must be a reason that I keep on getting my hopes up, time and again. There must be a reason, because if there isn’t, then I’m just completely and totally insane.

*On with the links:

*Phil Mackey at ESPN 1500 notes that the Kevin Correia signing – a move almost universally hated among Twins fans – represents nothing less than the prime example of the Twins’ scouting-over-piles-of-actual-numerical-evidence system of player evaluation. And it’s probably not a good sign that the best prior example of this was noted Twins failure Jason Marquis.

*The NHL season opener drew the league’s best non-Winter Classic regular-season ratings since 2002. Way to show your disgust, hockey fans!

*A new study found that chronic traumatic encephalopathy – CTE, the brain damage that’s turned so many former football players to suicide – may be detectable in living patients. If confirmed, this could be a huge step forward in identifying athletes who are at risk following their playing careers. It also could be the first step towards understanding the effect that football at all levels has on the living brain. And if, as seems very possible, it turns out that playing football at any level causes brain damage of this type, it may be the first step towards the end of football in America.

*Kind of loved this: Brian Scalabrine took on all comers, one-on-one. In a result that is not surprising to anyone who is not a moron, Scalabrine slaughtered every one, including beating three radio DJ’s one-on-three.

*And finally: I suppose the answer to my question above is this, the Butler-Gonzaga buzzer-beater last week. If you haven’t already, however, keep an eye on Butler coach Brad Stevens. He’s on the left-hand bench. You can pick him out because he’s the one that appears to be supremely bored by the whole event. I’m not sure if he’s a Jedi, or what.

This week at Twinkie Town, it’s time for a supremely odd off-season quiz.

This sort of thing happens when I write when I’m half-asleep.

NOTE: As always, this appeared first at RandBall, your home for free beer.

The NHL took out full-page ads in 40 newspapers on Friday, including this newspaper, apologizing for the lockout. This is the latest in a series of gestures that are designed to portray the league and its teams as contrite for causing pro hockey to stay away until mid-January. Unfortunately, not one of these gestures strikes me as heartfelt, genuine, or even accurate; I feel like my intelligence is being insulted. I almost wish the NHL would have printed the truth instead, which would have gone something like this:

Dear fans: We’re not sorry.

Oh, we’ll make any gesture that our PR gurus say we need to make, so we’ll paint slogans on the ice and take out full-page newspaper ads, but in truth we’re not one bit sorry for this lockout. We got pretty much everything we wanted – more money for us, less money for the players, and all we had to give up was 14 home dates to do it. Heck, that doesn’t even matter in like ten of our markets, since nobody goes to those games anyway. (And we didn’t even fix that with half-decent revenue sharing. Jeremy Jacobs and Craig Leipold are going to have themselves carried around the arena in Phoenix in solid gold sedan chairs, just to rub it in.) How is that not a good deal for us?

And let’s be honest, most of you didn’t notice anyway. We’re irrelevant nationally in America, anyway, so we’re safe there. And as for fans, they filled an arena in St. Paul on Wednesday just to watch an intrasquad scrimmage, the same day the team set a franchise record for tickets and merchandise purchased; it’s safe to say that the fans hardly cared, either. We win.

Ultimately, players get less and owners get more, and fans, we’ll happily let you purchase our wildly expensive tickets and fill our arenas again. We’re caring like that. We’ll even pretend to be contrite. But sorry? Really, truly sorry? Don’t make us laugh.

*On with the links:

*There aren’t many good ways to objectively measure the defense of the catcher in baseball, though the Twins – who just agreed to a $700,000 contract with Drew Butera, one of the worst hitters in baseball history – must have some good ones. Parker Hageman at Twins Daily does a study of one thing we can measure – the amount of time it takes Butera, Joe Mauer, and Ryan Doumit to get the ball to second base on a steal attempt.

*I’m pretty sure that the people who invented the Internet did so just for things like this: Baseball Prospectus breaks down the baseball clips in a scene from the TV show ‘Elementary’, in complete detail, and for good measure interviews the show’s producer to ask about the footage selected.

*To kick off the NHL season, Sean McIndoe looks at ten players to watch this year in the NHL. And if that wasn’t enough, he also teams up with Bloge Salming to give us one of the greatest movie trailer parodies you’re ever likely to see (assuming, like me, you enjoy jokes about Roberto Luongo.

*The Economist talks to the commissioner of Major League Gaming. Key takeaway: there is a professional video game league called Major League Gaming.

*And finally: if you liked Tebowing, you’re going to love Te’oing.

This week, the 53rd edition of the Twins Winter Caravan begins – a community outreach thing that I rather like. Players, coaches, and administrators visit the far-flung reaches of Minnesota, Iowa, and South and North Dakota, giving the whole geographic area of Twins fandom a chance to talk some baseball in January. It’s a great tradition and I like it.

I like it so much so, in fact, that the latest edition of Scenes From An Offseason takes place entirely in the vehicles that are going out for the Winter Caravan.