The first comment on today’s Twinkie Town post, which is a sort of sci-fi fiction post about Joe Blanton because why not, asks if Douglas Adams wrote the post from beyond the grave.

I can exclusively reveal that the whole thing has an obvious Adams tone and I’m glad somebody recognized it and I hope I didn’t actually unconsciously plagiarize any of it.

I hope you’re ready, because next weekend, the Super Bowl is coming to America! By this I mean that Formula One is returning to the USA for the first time since 2007, with a race at the new Red McCombs-built Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. And by “Super Bowl,” I mean that Formula One is just like the Super Bowl, in the sense that the spectacle of the event is much bigger and more interesting than the event itself.

Yeah, I know, Formula One is a little slow, and it’s all European and stuff. Nevertheless, it’s back in America this year, and home pride and all that, so here’s your guide to the 2012 US Grand Prix:

1. If you want to know who’s actually going to win the race, follow the practice sessions (Friday 10am and 2pm, Saturday 10am) and watch qualifying (Saturday 1pm.) Car setup is everything in F1, so if somebody’s fastest on Friday and Saturday, they’ll win on Sunday unless their car dies for no reason. (For a sport that likes to present itself as the pinnacle of engineering, this happens more often than you’d think.)
2. Make sure to watch the start of the race itself (Sunday, 1pm), as there’s always a crash at the first corner. After that, the action slows down a bit, unless one of the Ferrari cars leaves the pits with the fuel hose still attached to the car again, or something like that.
3. It’ll be hard to find a rooting interest, as there are no American drivers or teams in the field. If you want to stick with North America, there’s Sergio Perez of Mexico, who will have a huge contingent backing him in Texas. If not, there’s always the Finnish Kimi Raikkonen, who likes to yell at his team to leave him alone when they try to give him advice during the race.
4. Sebastian Vettel, driving for Red Bull, leads the standings. He usually has a very fast car. The only guy who has a hope of catching him is Fernando Alonso of Ferrari, who does not usually have the fastest car but finds a way to somehow finish in the top three every week.
5. Yes, Michael Schumacher is still around. But now he drives for a crappy team instead of Ferrari, and he usually finishes about 13th.

Really, that about sums it up. Just remember that Formula One is not like NASCAR or IndyCar, in that the race itself isn’t about racing, so much as waiting to see what goes wrong. Remember that, and you’ll be fine – and keep an eye out for Red McCombs. I’m hoping he tries to move the race to San Antonio at the last minute.

*On with the links:

*Nick Nelson at Twins Daily notes that the Rays’ Jeremy Hellickson is drawing trade interest from teams looking for a starting pitcher. Nelson also thinks that the young hurler is just pitching over his head.

*Apparently, Minnesota is the world capital of bar video game “Big Buck Hunter.” I had no idea, but – again – home pride and all that, so I’m demanding you read this story from Deadspin about competitive Big Buck Hunter players.

*The Vikes Geek’s denunciation of the team’s decision to stick with Christian Ponder instead of Joe Webb uses words like “nauseating,” “alarming,” and “myopia,” so you know it’s going to be fun.

*Ben Austen visits Buffalo for Grantland, to explore the possibly-ending relationship between the declining city and the Bills.

*At The Classical, Ben Polk explains the greatness of Nikola Pekovic.

*And finally: we never ran the shotgun when I played center for the high school football team, but if we had, this would have been my nightmare.

The first week of the Timberwolves season is in the books, and it’s been a good week for the optimists. At the time I wrote about the first week for SBN Minnesota, the Wolves were 3-1 and had impressed most.

Last night, the Wolves went one better, beating Indiana 96-94 at home on a buzzer-beating Chase Budinger layup. The Pacers were missing Danny Granger, out until February, but are still a good team – and the Wolves’ injury problems are much worse. Brandon Roy did not return in the second half after one of his “knees” got sore (quotations because Roy’s “knees” are not really knees, anymore), and J.J. Barea – who drives the second unit – was missing with a foot injury. Add in Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio, and that’s nearly an entire potential lineup missing for the Wolves.

And despite all that they still won, and deserved to win.

Yep, it’s been a good week – now week and a half – for the optimists.

There is an American cricket league planned for 2013. This is a problem, in the sense that few Americans are interested in cricket.

Right now, those in charge of the league seem determined to pitch it as an “entertainment” option, which is the wrong way to go about things. At the CricketSota blog, I’ve published what I think is the easiest way to get Americans interested in the game: an improved Team USA.

The Twins have three players eligible for arbitration this year. One of them is Drew Butera. I wanted to make a joke about this, so I wrote a quick guide to the three arbitration-eligible players – Butera, Brian Duensing, and **Jared Burton. **

I would love to see a Drew Butera arbitration hearing, I really would.

*NOTE: As always, these links were published first at RandBall, your home for cheapening it. *

I’m lucky enough to be able to afford cable, which come NBA season means that between TNT, ESPN, and NBA TV, I’ve got as much basketball available to watch as I can stomach. For those who aren’t willing to cough up the money for cable, though, the NBA offers its League Pass packages online, and one of their packages qualifies as the “discount” version. Instead of every game, viewers pick five teams, and can watch only the games of those teams.

This raises an excellent discussion: which five, besides the Timberwolves, would you pick? I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, and here’s my list – one that I admit has changed since the season started last week.

1. Oklahoma City: The no-brainer choice, especially after the Thunder traded away James Harden. It’ll be fascinating to see if Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook can get the Thunder back to the top of the West.
2. Houston: Speaking of Harden, he’s scored 37 and 45 points in two games. Jeremy Lin has scored 12 and 21. (I suspect this pick might be regrettable by Christmastime – Kevin McHale is involved, remember – but right now, must-watch.)
3. New York: I’ve got the Knicks finishing fourth in the East, and when the Knicks are good, they’re worth the slot. There’s a buzz that comes through the TV that makes MSG games fun to watch.
4. Brooklyn: To see Deron Williams and Joe Johnson, sure, but also to see if Brooklyn will have that same MSG-like buzz, or whether the Nets will be to the Knicks as the Islanders are to the Rangers.
5. Denver: To see what all the fuss is about. I keep reading about how strong Denver is, despite not having any “name” players besides Andre Iguodala. Is the hype worth it?

I suppose the list is notable for its omissions. No Miami, who would qualify as overhyped even if you never saw them on TV; no Lakers, of whom the same would be true, especially if they continue to lose every night. I can’t handle the smugness that radiates from Boston, the Spurs would be better as a sleep aid, and the thing I like best about the Clippers is watching Vinny Del Negro screw up his coaching moves, which is fun but not fun enough to move them into the Top 5.

With the cable options, I don’t have to choose. But you, the reader, may not have that luxury – and the NHL just canceled the Winter Classic, so hockey isn’t coming back any time soon. Keep your options open, and start thinking about your list. It may come in handy.

*On with the links:

*Twins Daily wonders if the Twins didn’t miss out by not taking the opportunity to hire Mike Redmond for their very own.

*Canis Hoopus looks at the Wolves roster, and discovers that the team seems to have a very strong prejudice – towards the tall.

*The Sports Economist looks at the differing ownership models in soccer around the world, and wonders what will prove the most successful.

*Here’s your weekly reminder that soccer will never catch on in America, except it already has: NBC Sports paid $83 million a year for rights to the English Premier League, beginning in 2013-14, and will air all 380 games in some way – including possibly 18-20 of them on NBC. That’d be more regular-season games on broadcast TV than the NBA, the NHL, or major league baseball get, right now.

*And finally: Mmmm, that’s good satire!

Friday was a big day for Minnesota Stars news, as the team announced that new owners had been found. Hours later, local soccer expert Brian Quarstad of Inside Minnesota Soccer reported speculation that the new owners were led by former UnitedHealth CEO Bill McGuire. I wrote about both of these things at SB Nation Minnesota.   

The Giants beat the Tigers Sunday night, thereby bringing the 2012 baseball season to a close. With no baseball to talk about, then, it’s time for silliness!

We begin this offseason the way we ended the last one – with a few made up offseason scenes. In Volume 5 of the ongoing series, the pitching staff is locked in a room, and Scott Ullger gets a lesson in coaching at first base.

I suspect that there are baseball websites where everything is serious all winter. I am glad that I am not part of any of those websites.

As always, this column appeared first at RandBall, your home for 3am McDonald’s trips.

I like to think that I’m pretty level-headed about the Twins, and about what’s possible and what’s not for the team on the free-agent market. I know that the Twins spend conservatively, and will continue to do so, and never will have one of those off-seasons (like the Marlins did last year) when the team attempts to sign virtually every free agent available. Still, though, that doesn’t keep me from idly wondering and idly hoping about what things would be like if they did have that kind of off-season, and after awhile the wondering and the hoping combine into a full-blown daydream. Like this:

November 6, MINNEAPOLIS – The Twins announced today that All-Star starting pitcher Zack Greinke has agreed to a five-year contract worth $100 million. “At the end of the day, I couldn’t pass up the chance to be in this organization and this area,” said Greinke. “This is a great place to play baseball, and I’m delighted to be back in the Midwest.”

November 22, MINNEAPOLIS – The Minnesota Twins continued their effort to shore up their starting staff, signing Joe Blanton to a three-year contract. Terms were undisclosed. Said Blanton, “With the team signing Greinke, I knew they were serious about competing for a championship here in Minnesota. I’m excited to be a part of that.”

December 1, MINNEAPOLIS – With today’s moves, the Twins have effectively completed their 2012 starting rotation, as the team signed Brandon McCarthy and Scott Baker. McCarthy joins for three years, Baker on a one-year, incentive-laden deal. Baker, when reached for comment, spoke in his usual unrecordably-soft voice, but mumbled something about being happy.

And so on. Now, to sign those four pitchers would probably cost $35-40 million per year, which is a ridiculous amount of money. And certainly, signing those pitchers – or really, any other set of pitchers, go ahead and pick your own – is no guarantee the Twins would be good. This is a team with major holes on the left side of the infield, and one that’s still a pitcher or two short of any bullpen confidence. But still – just once, it’d be nice to be the team that makes a splash. To be the team that pushes in all its chips instead of playing conservatively. To be the team that takes the risk of trying to do too much, rather than the risk of not doing enough.

On with the links:

*Speaking of making a splash, John Bonnes is ready to dump Justin Morneau just for the salary space.

*For hockey fans like me, getting through the lockout days is a tough deal. Thankfully, we have Down Goes Brown to help. This week: good signs and bad signs in the CBA talks, and a flowchart to determine what sport we should all watch in the meantime.

*David Matthews at The Classical visits a Cardinals bar in NYC – after the Cardinals were out of the playoffs.

*I enjoyed Shawn Fury writing about Columbia’s football program, mostly for the chance to say, “Huh, I didn’t know Columbia even had a football team.”

*And finally: I think I enjoy the British media’s take on the Yankees more than just about anyone else’s.

I feel terrible for the Minnesota Stars this morning; they lost the NASL title in just about the most heartbreaking fashion possible. Up 2-0 after the first leg, they saw their lead erased by the 51st minute of the game. They immediately took the lead back, but then gave up another goal four minutes from the end of the match. Tampa Bay had a player sent off for the entirety of extra time, but the Stars couldn’t score. The whole night was like that, and Tampa got three saves in the shootout from their keeper, and that was that – a 3-1 loss on the night that gave the Rowdies the Soccer Bowl.

Here’s hoping the 2011 title will cushion the blow a little bit, for players and fans. Nobody should have to be on the losing end of a match like that.