Today’s Twinkie Town column is titled “Ask A Twins Coach,” and is written in the vein of the long tradition of fake advice columns. It features Steve Liddle dealing with some self-esteem issues.

I’m not sure what else I can say to give you the correct idea, which is that this week’s column makes no sense.

As always, this week’s RandBall column – now with 58% more straw men! – appeared first at RandBall, your future home for the best NHL Draft coverage on the internet.

Now that Joe Mauer’s back in the Twins lineup, I feel like we all need to sit down and have a little chat about our attitude towards his injury absence. Now, don’t get me wrong; it was fun to make jokes about bilateral leg weakness, mostly because it seemed like such an absurd diagnosis. It didn’t quite approach the time Matthew LeCroy was held out of the lineup with gout, but still, bilateral leg weakness was only about two clicks less silly-sounding than “housewives’ knee.” Even so, I was a little bit astonished by the number of people who confidently and happily expressed the opinion that Mauer wasn’t hurt and was just being a wuss. Here was the cornerstone of the franchise, the much-beloved local hero, unable to play because a combination of (somewhat murky) factors had combined to rob him of all leg strength. Somehow, though, instead of causing mass panic, this translated in the minds of many fans into, “Jeez, what a pansy.”

To those who’ve seriously questioned Mauer’s toughness – and you know who you are – I suspect maybe you need to rethink your attitude. I know that bilateral leg weakness sounds goofy, and that since you can’t quite imagine what it feels like, it’s easy for you to conclude that it doesn’t hurt at all. But if someone else’s injury doesn’t seem like it hurts, that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous that you think it doesn’t qualify as a legitimate injury for someone else.

Now that we’ve beaten the stuffing out of that particular straw man, on with the links!

*Spencer Hall continues his “The Amateur” series by taking part in an Indoor Football League practice (that, for confusing reasons, was held outdoors.) Specifically, he attempts to field an onside kick, which in all forms of football is akin to trying to catch a pork chop being tossed into the middle of a pack of coyotes. Poor Spencer nearly has his head cleaved from his shoulders, but there is video, which makes it worth it for us, the interested viewers.

*A couple of weeks ago, it seemed like the MLB Draft would be the only bright spot in an epic slog of season-long Twins disaster. Since then, the home nine has won a dozen games and brightened things up considerably, but that said, it’s always fun to look at the guys that might be the future. John Sickels at Minor League Ball has a quick overview of the team’s first ten picks; Aaron Gleeman has a short review as well. (Both are a little more positive than commenter Clarence Swamptown, who emailed me within minutes of the team’s first pick, already comparing infielder Levi Michael to Todd Walker.)

*Parker Hageman points out that Delmon Young is holding his hands higher at the plate, which should assist him in getting a bit more leverage at the plate (code for “not hitting the ball weakly, like he’s using a large stick of beef jerky.”) I’d be more enthused about this, except that it seems like Delmon goes through this every year and it takes the coaching staff two months to convince him that swinging with his eyes closed, or whatever his problem happens to be at the time, isn’t the answer. I just wish it was up to a different team’s coaching staff, is all.

*And finally: CNN sure doesn’t think much of Vancouver. Given that they continue to employ Alex Burrows, I have to say I agree.

That’s enough for this weekend; enjoy your Saturday. Rand will be back in on Monday, no doubt kicking off a week’s worth of breathless NHL Draft coverage here at RandBall.

This week at Twinkie Town, I’ve written up a handful of possible upcoming Twins headlines. As always, even when the Twins have won ten of twelve, it’s more fun to goof on the team’s future possibilities than it is to face up to the realities – that everybody’s hurt and the team needs to win fifteen in a row to get anywhere near contention.

Here’s your latest edition of the weekend links, which as always appeared first at RandBall, your home for recycled content about Dan Cloutier from years ago.

This week, Grantland launched, which Rand covered in some detail last night. This requires an official Weekend Links Policy Decision: I will not be linking to Grantland articles. Don’t get me wrong, the site is really, really good – so good that I’d do nothing but post links to Grantland, if I included them. The site goes into the same category as Joe Posnanski and Steve Rushin – required reading. Here’s their RSS feed, here’s their Twitter feed; follow them.

On with the links:

*I really enjoyed Robert Lipsyte’s memoir excerpt about his encounters with Bob Costas. I find Costas to be kind of a fascinating character – he’s obviously a wonderful and likeable character, only he has kind of Mike Lupica streak in him that sometimes seems to respond to any slight, no matter how small, with bomb-throwing.

*Parker Hageman often studies the Twins videos and is able to explain, with examples, of why a certain Twins player is struggling. This week, he’s examined Danny Valencia, and we’ve reached a first – Parker has no idea what’s going wrong. This is almost more exciting than usual!

*The other Twins links for this week: John Bonnes talks a little about Run Expectancy, which is always good; Hageman looks at Delmon Young, and this time, has some answers; and Alexi Casilla’s sudden hot streak is studied, to see if it can actually keep going.

That’ll do it for me; now please, enjoy your Saturday, despite there being no Stanley Cup or NBA Finals game tonight, for some stupid reason. Someone should schedule these things better.

You may be aware of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the nearly-three-decades-old annual awards for composing the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. For example, here’s last year’s winner:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil. 

Truly rancid, I think we can agree. And it’s in that spirit that I’ve composed some opening sentences for the story of the 2011 Twins. It’s over at Twinkie Town, and frankly, I’m surprised I haven’t previously come up with the simple expedient of intending to write bad, bad sentences.

It’s time once again for the weekend links, which as always appeared first at RandBall, your home for rampant positivity in the face of all facts.

This year’s Stanley Cup Finals are reminding me once again that maybe I need to back off the hate a little. I think it’s pretty common for passionate sports fans to develop a dislike of other teams; in rare cases, this can eventually lead to a hatred of the entire rest of the league. And that leads to internal arguments like, “Well, Boston’s fans are entitled whiny jerks, but Vancouver is the city that brought us Mattias Ohlund and Alex Burrows and Todd Bertuzzi and Brad May, making it possibly the worst city in the Western Hemisphere.” Frankly, this doesn’t make me want to sit down and watch the Finals, even though it’s the apex of the hockey season. It makes me want to halfheartedly pull for Boston to win while Vancouver drops off into the Pacific Ocean and eventually becomes a protectorate of Vladivostok. I think I’d enjoy things more if I didn’t hate either team.

On with the links:

*In keeping with the hockey theme, Sports Illustrated’s Richard Deitsch wrote a nice profile of Doc Emrick, currently America’s top hockey announcer. I still miss Gary Thorne an awful lot, but Emrick’s darn good too, mostly because he seems like he’s the biggest fan of hockey in the world and just happens to have a microphone. I’ve noticed my favorites (Thorne, Emrick, Gus Johnson, Kevin Harlan) are the people who seem best able to carry a tone of genuine real live excitement into the broadcast – not manufactured, not yelling for the sake of yelling, but honestly able to translate the thrills of live sports through the microphone.

*In the wake of the media’s discovery that West Virginia head football coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen likes a drink, Spencer Hall writes about his own family’s experience in these matters. I have mentioned this before, but I really enjoy Spencer Hall’s writing. You should too.

*I suppose only The Economist could, or would, connect the current FIFA scandals with the Cuban secret police and, in a larger sense, Britain’s place in the world. On the other hand, this is a newspaper that once referred to football as “a sport that vaguely resembles rugby in wimpish armour-plating,” so perhaps they’re not the sages they claim to be.

*I suppose even the most optimistic Twins fans have given up on 2011, but Steve Adams at Twinkie Town knows that at least we can look forward to the draft. The problem with the baseball draft is that anyone the Twins pick will probably not crack the lineup before about 2015, but still, it’s fun to imagine.

*And finally: we’ve all tried our hands at sports-related literary parody. (Well, I have.) Seldom, however, is it as well done as this. Key quote: “While the offense nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping / As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the clubhouse door. / `’Tis Nick Punto’, I muttered, ‘missing juiceboxes galore – / Only this, and nothing more.’”

That’ll do it for me this week. Enjoy tonight’s Stanley Cup game… if you can.

Editor’s note: Here’s another edition of the weekend links – this one for Memorial Day weekend, meaning that it was written right before vacation and thus was a bit hurried. As always, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for AMERICA!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! It’s always nice when we get to kick off summer with rain and temperatures in the 40s, isn’t it? [Editor’s note: Rand inserted a comment here about it being 70 and sunny. It was cold and rainy on Friday night, though, which is what I meant.]. I’ve got a few links for your holiday weekend pleasure, and in the interest of not keeping you long, let’s get right to them:

*Via Inside MN Soccer: Local company Brave New Media has partnered with the NSC Minnesota Stars to produce some behind-the-scenes videos. The first one for the year – covering the pre-season – is up. Admittedly, I’m even more of a soccer kisser-upper than Rand, but I still think it’s fascinating – especially the story of defender Kyle Altman, who’s deferred admission to med school twice so that he can keep playing.

*Over at Twinkie Town, Stu’s got the news of yet another thing Kevin Slowey’s responsible for. And if you’re tired of watching the Twins blow leads, here’s a list of other ways to spend your hard-earned money than going to the ballpark.

*The Gopher baseball team is attempting to work its way through the loser’s bracket at the Big Ten tournament; they’ve won three in a row there, and now just needs to win three more in a row to take the tourney title. Never fear, though – they’ve got Luke Rasmussen and his over-the-top Minnesota accent, so I think they’ll be okay. (If for nothing else, watch that video for what he calls the team’s starting shortstop.)

*And finally: Nerd-hero web comic XKCD took on sports last week. Speaking on behalf of all of us: ow.

That’s enough for a holiday weekend like this. Enjoy it and stay dry.

The Twins have been calling up about two relievers a week yet, to the point that they should start having a quiz at the front gates: name all seven people in today’s bullpen, get a free hot dog. With all of these callups, then, I imagine over at Twinkie Town what the Twins must be doing to keep their new recruits in the loop – and I think it might be a form letter.

Editor’s note: As always, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for the best free posts on the internet.

Happy Saturday! Let’s dispense with the pleasantries, shall we, and get straight on with the links:

*Canis Hoopus is into full off-season mode, and this week, they have an interview with arena host Mike Rylander, who’s better known by his unofficial name amongst all people who’ve attended a Timberwolves game: “Holy smokes, is that Wally Szczerbiak?” Rylander’s leaving to pursue better things, but it’s still a good look at somebody who’s been part of the game experience night in and night out at Target Center. (This is more than you can say about, say, Sebastian Telfair.)

*I don’t know why this post – a 20-years-later look at a Belle Plaine HS baseball scandal that made the front page of the Star Tribune Metro section – is so fascinating to me. Maybe it’s just nostalgia for 1991. Or maybe because this seems like such a quintessential small-town story – a non-issue that the whole town got caught up in and that ended up being a much, much bigger deal than it had any right to be. Whatever it is, I really enjoyed it.

*It turns out that skateboarder Tony Hawk is now 43 years old. This may make you feel old. It also turns out that he can still do a 900, 12 years after he did one for the first time. This may now make you feel lazy.

*Oh, those tricky St. Cloud State Huskies – you can’t turn your back on them for even a minute.

*And finally: if you think that you’d enjoy a video of Alec Baldwin punching John Krasinski in the face over a baseball game, then have I got the video for you!

That’s enough for this week; try to get out there and enjoy the weekend. Also try to forget that it was cold and rainy last weekend and is muggy and rainy this weekend, and in between when you were stuck in the office, it was gorgeous and sunny out. You won’t be able to forget. But try.

Last week, it was set theory and Venn diagrams; this week, it’s math-related word problems. My Twinkie Town columns seem to have taken a mathematical turn. Possibly because only mathematics can explain how bad the Twins are. Next week, we prove that we need only four colors to mark each worthless Twins catcher, such that no two adjacent catchers have the same color!