Yep, cricket again. I did warn you. The one person who read my last Ashes diary said, “I only understood about 75% of what you wrote.” I’m hoping to drop that to 50% or so, this time around.

Second Test: England won by an innings and 71 runs. (Australia 245 & 304, England 620/5d.)</p>

I haven’t watched a whole lot of cricket, of course, so naturally I’m going to see an awful lot of things and think, “Boy, I’ve never seen that before.” But I’m starting to wonder if I’m not seeing an awful lot of things that I won’t see again, not for a long time.

Prior to the match, the talk was all about how the team that won the coin toss would have the advantage, because they could bat first and (presumably) score a thousand runs. History seems to favor high scores at Adelaide, where the pitch is apparently made from a particularly true-bouncing mix of concrete. All of the commentators predicted a draw.

Australia won the coin toss and went out the first day with murder in its hearts. And after about ten minutes, well, the match was pretty much over. Shane Watson opened the batting for the Aussies, with Simon Katich down at the other end waiting for his turn. On the fourth ball of the match, Watson took one off the leg, then tried to run a quick single. Katich, who must have been staring at somebody in the stands, was late setting off, and England fired the ball off the stumps to run out Katich. He hadn’t even faced a ball yet. It is perhaps the most ignominious way to be out, in cricket – a “diamond duck,” they call it.

Katich also partially tore an Achilles tendon during the match, and will miss the rest of the series. I can only assume that his car broke down and his house was overrun by termites and his daughter was knocked up this week, as well.

It wasn’t over for Australia. Captain Ricky Ponting, batting about four hours earlier than he expected, walked out to the middle and was gone first ball, edging one to a fielder behind. Five balls in, the Aussies were two wickets down.

When Michael Clarke edged one to an English fielder in the third over, then, it was just insult to injury. Australia had expected to score about 500 in its first innings; instead, they had two runs for three wickets, their worst Test start in about 800 years (or something similarly embarrassing.)

They went on to score 245, which looked like nothing, especially compared to the 517 for 1 performance the English had put on in their second innings in Brisbane. And it turned out that England – who usually fall apart in Australia – had no intention of doing so this time around.

Andrew Strauss, opening the batting, continued his new streak of ugly early dismissals, falling in the second over after leaving a strike right down the heart of the plate (to mix my sports metaphors). But after him came Alastair Cook and Jonathan Trott, and after Trott departed there was Kevin Pietersen, and that was truly all the English needed. Cook made 148, Trott 78, and then Pietersen put on a show, racing to 227, his highest-ever score. Ian Bell’s late 68 looked piddling in comparison, despite being better than all but one Australian batsman in each innings.

England finally decided they’d had enough early on the fourth day, leading by 375 runs, which led to the silliest part of cricket: watching one team, which has been getting beat like it stole something, try to delay for a couple of days an earn an undeserved draw. Occasional rainstorms didn’t help. Imagine if a baseball game had a four-hour time limit, no matter how much time Freddy Garcia takes between pitches, or how long it might rain for, and you’ll get the idea – frustration at the pace of play.

To give Australia credit, they fought well all day, getting to 238 for 3, but – on the very last ball of the day – the match took its one final big turn. Pietersen, bowling for England despite being a terrible bowler (“I’m the original pie-chucker,” he said afterward, which sounds great despite me being unfamiliar with the term), picked up a from-nowhere wicket to turn the tide. To go back to baseball, this is like bringing in your rightfielder to pitch, and having him somehow strike a guy out on three pitches.

England got a couple of wickets early on the fifth day, as well – those coming earlier this evening – and from there it was one long laugher. Even the Australian commentators spent most of their time giggling at Aussie bowler Doug Bollinger’s comedic batting. “He should have his own blooper reel at the end of every match,” said former Aussie bowler Shane Warne. He took one delivery hard off of his right butt cheek, which prompted much laughing. He also managed to get nailed with the ball while standing at the non-striker’s end; Peter Siddle drove a liner back at his batting partner, and Bollinger ended up fending it off with his own bat while trying to get out of the way. “No, Dougie!” cried Warne. “Save those shots for the other end!”

For all of the laughter, Bollinger ended up with 7 runs and was not out, which was better than four other Aussie batsmen – including fellow bowler Ryan Harris, who was dismissed first ball in both innings. Harris is currently just barely ahead of poor English bowler Stuart Broad, who is out of the rest of the series with an injured abdominal muscle. Broad was out first ball in England’s first innings in Brisbane, and didn’t bat in their second innings there or their only innings in Adelaide – and will go down with batting figures in this series of no runs, one ball faced, one minute of batting time.

Perhaps nobody has batting figures quite like England bowler Steven Finn, who – despite playing both matches – has yet to face a ball in either one. So far, his entire batting contribution is to stand around at the non-striker’s end for a grand total of four balls. Meanwhile, his teammate Alastair Cook has batted for – this is absolutely true – just over twenty-two and a half hours.

The third test, in Perth, doesn’t begin for over a week – next Wednesday, to be precise. At the moment, everyone – English media, Australian media, everyone – is racing to bury the Aussies. There were a few commentators, pre-series, that wondered if the home team had enough good bowlers to take the twenty wickets required to win a match; so far, they’ve managed all of 16 in two matches. England could clinch at least a series draw – and therefore retain the Ashes – with a win in Perth, and so Australia’s under the gun already.

They’ve got nine days to get things figured out on the bowling end – and to figure out how to get more than two runs for their first three wickets.
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This week’s edition of the weekend links includes talk about snow and generation gaps, soccer and bad owners, and rugby and French philosophers. It also includes the words “reindeer” and “poop.” Nothing but class!

Note: Many readers of this internet publication could not possibly care less about cricket matches between England and Australia. This has never stopped me before, and indeed won’t stop me now, but fair warning: this post and all subsequent Ashes-related posts are, in fact, about cricket. If you’re going to ignore me, now’s the time.

First Test: Match Drawn. England 260 & 517/1d, Australia 481 & 107/1.

I’ll say one thing about cricket in Australia: it certainly is convenient, as long as you happen to be in America.

Australian fans had to shirk their daytime duties on Thursday, Friday, and Monday in order to see this match; English fans had to go nocturnal and watch from midnight to 7 a.m. Those of us in America could flip open the laptop at 6pm, fire up the match, and watch until bedtime. (Even if we had to be intentionally evasive when people asked us what we were doing with the laptop. Sorry, Dad. It was easier to evade than to explain that I was keeping an eye on the cricket match while we watched the Timberwolves.)

For any cricket novices who’ve made it all the way down to the third graf: The Ashes is a biannual series of five Test matches between England and Australia. The name of the series refers to a mock newspaper obituary for English cricket, way back in 1882, and for any more facts than that, you may read Wikipedia.

Anyway, usually what happens when England have to go on the road in this series is this: they talk about how things will be different. They talk about how well-prepared they are. They land in Australia, and then, the thrashings commence. Last time, Australia won the series 5-0, marking (if I have my facts correct) the first time a cricket series has ended 5-0 since the infamous West Indies v. Agoraphobics & Spastics United series in 1984-85.

That series (Australia vs. England, not West Indies vs. A&S Utd.) was marked by England bowler Steve Harmison running up for the first ball of the series, and then delivering the ball so wide that most fans fell to their knees and laughed for the better part of ten minutes. It was the equivalent of Tim Lincecum winding up to begin Game 1 of the World Series, then uncorking a slider that maimed a fan in the third row behind the dugout.

Naturally, then, England – who won the coin toss and chose to bat first – were nervous about the first ball of this series. Captain Andrew Strauss let it go right by, a nice, calm, collected move. He did the same with the second. With all nerves eased, then, he decided to whack a super-awesome shot on the third ball, which of course flew straight to Australian fielder Michael Hussey for an out, thus sealing Strauss’s place in the annals of England Ashes comedy.

Truthfully, though, things did end up being plenty exciting, at least on day one. England fought throughout the first day to get to 197/4. Then Aussie bowler Peter Siddle, suddenly inhabited by a demon, took a hat trick, which I’ll probably watch the rest of my life without seeing again – bam, Cook gone. Matt Prior in, Matt Prior out first ball. Stuart Broad in, Stuart Broad swinging wildly and getting hit in the foot and called out leg before wicket, Stuart Broad out. This happens something on the order of twice a decade, which I should have appreciated.

Peter Siddle just looks annoying, though, which is why I turned the match off in disgust.

After that, well, things slowed down a bit. On day two, Australia made a few runs and a few outs, but then Brad Haddin and Hussey starting batting pretty well. Those two batted for much of the second day and most of the third day, giving Australia a 221-run lead after the first innings, which made everyone assume Australia was going to win.

Then Strauss and Alastair Cook came in to bat for England, and they batted for most of the fourth day, and when Strauss finally got himself out, Jonathan Trott came in and batted for the rest of the day with Cook. This lasted well into day five. By the time captain Strauss got bored with the whole thing and called the two inside for buttered toast, England had scored 517 runs, Cook and Trott had set the record for the highest-ever partnership in Brisbane – breaking Hussey and Haddin’s record, set two days earlier – and any excitement in the match had ground to a halt because only an outbreak of influenza or possibly a mass delirium would cause anything but a draw. (Neither happened, but the draw did.)

A recap of popular opinion:
After three balls: Australia are going to win 5-0.
At any point for the rest of the first day or the second morning: This series will be close but thrilling, perhaps even a draw.
After Hussey and Haddin batted for a million hours: Australia are going to win 5-0.
After Strauss, Cook, and Trott swung around and batted even longer for England: Australia are terrible and won’t win a thing; England may win by default.

So, as the Second Test begins tomorrow in Adelaide (tonight, for those of us in a sensible time zone), the Australians are the ones in disarray. Aussie fast bowler Mitchell Johnson has been dropped from the team; he failed to take a wicket or score a run, gave up 170 runs on his own, and bowled like he had his eyes closed (go to 0:26 of this video, and watch for Trott’s stunned reaction as the ball sails twenty feet behind him, Rick Ankiel style.) Meanwhile, England will play the exact same team, and hope that they can somehow magically find a way to get a few Aussies out.

So: still 0-0. Four matches to go and the urn on the line and a convenient TV viewing schedule ahead. On to Adelaide!

I have enjoyed writing for SB Nation Minnesota. It’s given me a chance to write about things I usually don’t write much about, these days – the Vikings, the Wild, that sort of thing, plus a long post about Major League Soccer in Minnesota that’s up there with my favorite things I’ve ever written. But ultimately, I couldn’t justify the added time commitment – I just have too much going on to add another pile of writing on top of the teetering stack I already have.

So I’m done, over there, though I encourage you to keep following the site. And before I left, I wrote one last thing, that had a surprising message (for me, at least): Keep hope alive, because as sports fans, it’s all we have.

The Twins recently won an auction to negotiate with Japanese middle infielder Tsuyoshi Nishioka, who – if he comes to agreement with the team – may well be the starting shortstop or second baseman next season. So of course, being the insightful guy I am, I decided to make jokes about his name.

Here’s my weekly post from Twinkie Town: The Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce “Tsuyoshi Nishioka.”

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve done a very poor job, as of late, of putting up links on this blog. Rather than go through and rectify that, one post at a time, I’m just going to dump them all in one place and call it a day.

My Twins Offseason Blueprint – Twinkie Town (November 8)
I took on the mantle of Twins GM, and put together my plan for the offseason, which is titled DisasterPen ’11. (A week before, I speculated on whether the Twins could keep both Jim Thome and Jason Kubel, which formed the basis for some of my decisions.)

On Firing Brad Childress – SB Nation Minnesota (November 11)
I didn’t think it would solve much. A week later, he got fired. We’ll see if I was right.

I, Darko, Cannot Hit The Broad Side Of A Fish – Canis Hoopus (November 12)
In the latest installment of my “I, Darko” series, in which I write in the guise of the big center, Darko laments his inability to get the ball in the bucket. (Since then, he’s started scoring big. He’s my favorite Timberwolf by far.)

Weekend Links – RandBall (November 13)
This edition of the links was written just following Kevin Love’s 31-point, 31-rebound performance against New York, which I was lucky enough to see in person. Not surprisingly, I was brimming with optimism, and wrote a short essay about the whole thing. Plus there was a great link about promotions at hockey intermissions.

Cy Youngs And MVPs – Twinkie Town (November 15)
Jesse Lund and I went back and forth, via email, about our picks for AL MVP and Cy Young.

Could The Timberwolves Have Lucked Into “That One Dominant Player”? – SB Nation Minnesota, November 18
In the offseason, the Wolves spoke of needing that one dominant player for their team. They also traded virtually nothing in order to get Michael Beasley. Given how Beasley has played, the latter transaction may have filled the former need.

Weekend Links – RandBall (November 20)
Mostly links, but there’s a short essay about MLS team names (along with a link on the same subject which I found to be awesome.)

There were a few shorter updates, too, which I’ll merely link to instead of explaining:

• 11/3 – Local BBWAA Twins Award Winners
• 11/5 – Zach Budish Can’t Buy A Break
• 11/8 – Twins Fail To Land Japanese Pitcher; Do They Have Tons Of Money Or Something?
• 11/9 – The Wild Are A Little Too Pleased With Themselves
• 11/10 – The Timberwolves Are The Worst At Everything
• 11/11 – Minnesota May Have Pro Soccer After All
• 11/16 – Twins Set To Bring Back Matt Capps

Happy Thanksgiving!

This week’s topics at the weekend links include hits to the head in hockey, goalie masks, the Twins offseason, and Steve Rushin. You would do well to click over to RandBall now.

It’s a classic edition of the weekend links this week. Sure, there’s a couple of good links about a local pro sports team (the Timberwolves, this time) buried in there, but those links are surrounded by soccer, economic theory, reader submissions, and people getting run over by deer.

With the offseason in full swing for the Twins, I took a look at the most important questions the team will have to answer this year. I came up with five, and they’re over at SB Nation Minnesota.

I went downtown to see a Timberwolves game in person for the first time in years, last Wednesday. It was the season opener. The Wolves lost by a point. And Kevin Love hardly played at all in the fourth quarter, despite generally being the team’s best player.

I was disappointed, and confused, too. So I went home and made a chart to make sense of things. It’s from last Thursday at Canis Hoopus: The Kurt Rambis Decision-Making Chart.